The most conflicting thing in my life is being the happiest yet the saddest I’ve ever been.
Lets be frank right now. I suffer, like tons of other people my age, from depression. I’m not going to go into what living with depression is like. As an internet-savy audience, I’m assuming y’all have read tons of articles about that.
No, lets talk about how colorguard is the most beautiful thing in my life, and I am in a constant state of confusion of what I feel. I don’t understand how I can wake up and have no motivation to live, to interact, to do anything, yet at the exact same time I am so excited and so motivated to be alive- for the sake of color guard.
That’s the whole point of this though. I love doing color guard. I have a team that supports me through everything and a reason to get out of bed every morning. Some times a strong bout of depression will hit me. It can last for days, weeks, who knows, but I never give up hope because I know with color guard for those one or two hours a day, I can feel alive.
For a while, it was the only time I felt alive. I would live for the next high of performing, and it was a struggle, a trudge, but I sincerely doubt I would be who I am today without color guard getting me through my depression.
Don’t get me wrong though. It’s not easy. Colorguard isn’t a fix for my depression. Not by any means. If anything, depression is an obstacle in my color guard experience.
It’s the worst thing in the world when you are going through a bad time and you feel so low and worthless, but then you have to go to practice and put on a face. Do you know how embarrassing it is when your coach gives you a constructive piece of criticism but you want to break down crying irrationally because of your depression? It’s horrible because at no point do I want them to think I’m weak and can’t handle criticism. It’s just because I can’t handle anything at that moment of my life.
I hate more than anything when my team accomplishes something great, and I can’t bask in the joy with my teammates. When I look at their faces and feel empty. That breaks my heart more than the lack of will to get out of bed. Even if in my head I know that the depression will recede eventually, that I’ll be able to laugh and smile with my teammates eventually, I feel truly selfish for only feeling empty at that time and place.
When you spin with depression- your life is a roller coaster of extreme highs and lows; it’s a tiring existence to be honest, but I would choose this over constant lows any day. Yes, it really hurts when I can’t be happy when I should be with my guard, the fact that I know there are chances to be happy at all gets me through life. No matter how bad my depression gets, I will still have color guard.
So thank you color guard, for saving my life and giving me the greatest joy I’ll ever know in my life.
Written by Anonymous
Since going to college and spending a year with their college colorguard, the author of the article has sought professional counseling and would like the readers to know that their depression is at bay, and they can truly enjoy colorguard to its fullest now.